you
Thank you very much.
¶¶
We'll be right back.
© transcript Emily Beynon
Good evening, Barlow.
Welcome, Mr. Manfred.
Nice to see you again.
Well, it's good to be back.
I left my things down at the landing.
You'll fetch them and put them up in my old room?
Yes, sir.
How is my dear brother?
At death's door, sir.
I doubt if he'll last the night.
Oh.
That's too bad.
Tell him I'm here.
Yes, sir.
Such bad taste.
Oh.
Stop staring, you fool. I'm not dead yet.
Mr. Manfred's arrived, sir. I told him your condition.
I suppose he's giggling in anticipation.
In his sickening way.
Barlow?
How would you like to be a wealthy man?
I'd have no objection, sir.
You have all the qualifications for inherited wealth.
Spineless.
Slavish to superiors.
Arrogant to inferiors.
My will states the value I have placed on your years of faithful service.
Two cents.
Bring Manfred in.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
How are you feeling, Cyrus?
Are you in pain?
Yes.
And it's grown more acute since you entered the room.
We can only hope you're going to a better place.
Personally, I've never believed all those ugly stories
about retribution in the next world.
For your sake, I certainly hope that they're not true.
You'll find out soon enough.
For yourself.
I've just tried to follow an older brother's example.
But this is no time to reminisce.
There are family matters to settle.
My will is over there, behind the picture, in the safe.
I had the safe designed with you in mind.
Bagler proof.
That's cruel, Cyrus.
The will has some surprises.
I had a terrible time deciding which relative should get my money.
I hate you all so much.
But you are my family.
So one of you gets everything.
Naturally, as your only brother, you named me.
Let's just say I left it all to the smartest.
I'm sorry Mr. Manfred he just died laughing. If you'll excuse me sir I'll
notify the attorney Mr. Warfield he'll want to summon the rest of the family.
Yes of course.
Manfred Carstairs, indicted 17 times, 17 times, never convicted of anything, wait till you see the rest of the family, this is Claudette, she's been married six times, divorced twice, widowed four times, four times, how'd they die, probably overdoses of Claudette,
and there is Aunt Tess, she lives in England, she was convicted of black marketing during the war,
she's under suspicion of high crimes and misdemeanors, and here is Andrew Warfield,
the Coster's attorney, the legal profession's been trying to disbar him for years.
Who's that?
That's the Coster's only niece, Tracy.
She's agreed to let you impersonate her.
The Coster's family hasn't seen her since she ran away
to join the circus 18 years ago.
I can't say as I blame her with that family she's got.
Um, what am I after?
An envelope marked top secret.
In it is a formula for a high-speed alloy used in our jet fighters.
Old Cyrus developed it and was about to sell it to us for $20 million.
When he died, one of the members of the Coster's family has offered it for sale,
and foreign powers are offering millions.
We think the will will tell us where the formula is.
Now that's why I'm sending you to Coster's Manor on Lafitte Island.
Coster's Manor?
Lafitte Island? Oscar, it sounds like an old horror movie.
Igor's not gonna meet me at the door, is he?
I don't know if Igor will be there, Jamie.
But I wouldn't take my eyes off this guy.
¶¶
Thank you for watching.
Come on.
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I don't know.
Hello?
All right.
Who are you?
I'm Tracy.
Oh, yes, of course.
You're Marcia's little girl.
I'm Uncle Manfred. How are you, my dear?
Not very well at the moment, thank you.
Man scared me half to death on my way from the landing.
Really?
And outside in front here, a very large pot fell and barely missed me.
Well, I'm not surprised.
It's terrible the way Cyrus neglected the place.
It's literally falling down.
At the oddest times.
Yes, well, I'm delighted to see you again, my dear.
But you've changed almost too much, especially your eyes.
There's none of the car stairs look about them strange.
Well, it has been 18 years, Uncle Manfred.
And in speaking of strange things...
Yes, of course. Well, I was just testing the safe.
It's very well built.
Yes, we can all feel very safe
with the will locked up in it.
Well, let me show you up to your mother's old room.
Are my aunts here yet?
Oh, no, no, you're the first to arrive.
But don't harbor foolish hopes
about any part of the family fortune.
Oh, so the will has been read already.
Oh, no, no.
But he left everything to the smartest among us.
Everybody in the family knows who that is.
Well, I...
I...
I never realized Cyrus admired me so much.
Imagine him leaving me all his money.
You?
Yes, well, he said the smartest, didn't he?
Well, I'm not saying that Manfred and Tessie are actually retarded.
But they're no whiz kids either.
And these aren't booby prizes, darling.
A wool field? Bring the bags.
Bring the bags.
Come in, Snow White. This is Dopey.
Jamie, how's it going?
Well, pretty bad. There's already been an attempt on my life.
Listen, if it's that dangerous, you'd better get out of there.
How? The water around this island is filled with snakes and alligators,
and this house is filling up with car stairs.
Wait a minute, Oscar.
PHONE RINGS
Oh get out Warfield. It was only a glance and blow. Manfred and Cyrus got me
several times and we were children.
Warfield and Claudette just got the same reception I did.
Look, Oscar, I think that the formula is in Cyrus' safe.
I'm going to go after it now.
All right, but be careful.
And watch out for those car-stayers.
Yes, think.
By tonight, all of this will be mine.
How sweet of dear Cyrus to leave everything to me.
If he'd said the most beautiful, I would have known he meant Claudette.
She's really quite pretty in a tawdry sort of way.
But it took more than the gaudy to sway dear Cyrus.
Oh.
Thank you.
Stop trying to scare me!
Grrrr!
Very well.
Two can play that game.
Grrrr!
That'll teach you!
Grrrr!
Just what are you doing, girl?
She was just trying to cheat us.
Just like you were trying to do.
How about you, Manfred?
Those marks on that medal weren't made by any woodpeckers.
Don't move, anybody! What's going on here?
Who's she?
That's our niece, Tracy.
Aunt Tess and Claudette.
Would you believe, when I first saw her,
I didn't think that she was one of us.
Not much family resemblance.
None at all.
She doesn't look like us, but...
She certainly acts like us.
A car stares through and through.
Welcome aboard.
Thank you.
sweet darling come let me take you to your room my goodness the circus
certainly has an effect on your clothing still working in the sideshow
come in snow white hello dopey i'm not dopey anymore i'm grumpy and i haven't got the formula
however i have been accepted as a car stairs my information tells me that the formula hasn't
been delivered yet so it still must be in the house well they're going to have the will reading
right after dinner so i should know something soon good i'll move in when you tell me you got it
so
¶¶
50 left.
Uh-huh.
Right 13.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Nothing but this?
Here, that's for you.
Well, he put his will on a T.V. cassette.
He wanted to tell us what was in it personally.
Why, there's no television set in this house?
Oh, yes, there is, Miss Claudette.
Why was it kept locked?
He didn't want the servants wasting time watching it.
Oh, but you had the key.
Oh, your easy days are over, Barlow.
Ahem.
Turn it on, huh?
All right, watch and weep.
My dear family.
Cyrus, Cyrus.
Hello, hello, wherever you are.
Doesn't he look wonderful?
All things considered a most handsome man.
Manfred, Kes, Claudette.
you aren't even mentioned darling you and marsha's little girl what's her name
are my family and so you all have a crack at my fortune back to the races darling
they tried to give you all equal chances to prove who is the smartest
hidden somewhere here in this house is a safe deposit box containing various valuable papers
and the stock certificates to all my companies i'm making it winner take all to the one who
finds it forgive me cyrus for a moment i actually thought well of you so a scavenger hunt
we'll have to
pick the fittest to replace me as head of the family hopefully it will be the best the smartest
luckiest or perhaps if i know my dear family just the survivor oh warfield is allowed in the hunt
too because he has proven over so many years that he can't do anything right anyway now here are all
the clues that you will need
to find the box the time has come the walrus said to talk of many things of shoes and ships and
sealing wax and cabbages and kings and why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings
and why the fun when time has run and stopped its tired fling
all right scavengers struck your hunt just the kind of childish thing i'd expect of him a really flawed mind i don't understand what does it mean well it's from lewis carroll but i'm afraid uncle cyrus wrote the last line himself well the only thing we can do is go along with this stupid game
the time has come the walrus said ships shoes
fun when time has stopped cabbages boiling hot pigs with wings shall we be civilized for once and agree on some ground rules like what we don't want to be stumbling over each other in the dark let's start the hunt it's a 6 a.m that's a wonderful idea very fair fine okay by me
you
Subtitles by SteamTeamExtra
It sounds like everybody decided to get up a little early.
Somebody got my radio.
I don't know.
Wings, pigs, boiling hot, it's the kitchen.
Shoes?
Hey.
A sealing wax.
A letter.
Silas always was a pig.
And he did take wings from here.
The walrus said to talk of many things.
Talk.
Could it mean the television set?
No.
I don't know.
Mr. Warfield?
Well, so much for kings.
Get out!
this is the only ship in the house and it's mine well I just came in to see if
you were all right we'll close the door
you
.
something wrong miss well aunt Claudette just disappeared oh she's been doing that for years
miss the first time was when she married the Polish cunt where is uncle Manfred I think he's
in the attic the attic yes he he remembered the fine wood carvings in the ceiling of the master
bedroom and asked me if we'd ever wax them I told him sometimes we touch them up then he just
shouted ceiling wax and and and ran up into the attic will that be all miss
thank you
the
Stop!
Don't move, girlie.
What have you done with Claudette and Warfield?
What are you talking about?
I saw everything.
I left him in the drawing room.
He disappeared after you had been in there.
The same thing happened to Claudette.
You're young, but you're all casters.
Did you realize that I had solved the puzzle?
And you came back to get me, too?
What?
Look at it. It hasn't rung for years.
And why the fun when time has run and stopped its tired fling?
I know the secret's in it somewhere.
Turn around.
What are you gonna do?
Just turn around!
Can I please just tell you why I came here?
Tess?
The formula has got to be in this crazy house somewhere.
Now, what have we got?
And why do pigs have wings,
and why the fun when time has run?
It's...
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Boop!
Hey!
Hey, see?
What are you doing?
There is a man behind that wall.
How unusual.
Well, not for this house, it isn't.
And by process of elimination, it must be Barlow.
Barlow? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
That lazy oaf wouldn't be able to compete with the Carstairs.
You can't be in two places at one time,
and everyone else has disappeared.
Is it possible you could be right?
Tracy, I'm not one to share,
but there's a first time for everything.
For safety's sake, I think we'd better cooperate.
What's on your mind?
What would you want if we found that box together?
There's an envelope. That's probably just among his personal papers.
You may have all the rest.
What's so valuable about that envelope?
I am a philatelist.
A philato-what?
I'm a stamp collector.
Do we have a deal?
Pardon me, let's pool our knowledge.
Well, I took the attic apart.
There's nothing up there.
Okay.
Claudette found the only ship in the house,
so I think that's a red herring,
and Warfield found the only thing that looks like a king.
Now, I myself went through the kitchens,
and there are no cabbages.
Wait, maybe Tess was right.
Could it have anything to do with that clock?
Oh, no.
No, Cyrus would never hide it in as obvious a place as that.
What time is it?
It's almost eight.
It's 8 o'clock.
And kings on the chessboard.
Maybe that's the kind of king he was talking about.
Could be. Oh, what is that?
Is that supposed to be light coming down
through a window or something? Looks like it.
Okay, so we've got 8 o'clock and light.
8 o'clock, light coming through a window.
It's a chessboard on the floor.
What position is that, King?
Queen 3.
OK, I don't know anything about chess.
Can you show me where?
Sure.
Stand on it, please?
Sure.
Is there anything down below there?
The old family burial crypt.
There's a stairway leading down to it in the back hall.
I'm sorry.
This is about where Queens 3 would be.
We should be right under it.
Without the sun, time has stopped for it, too.
Help me with this.
I'll get a crowbar.
Oh.
I got it.
Well, how did you...
And here is Uncle Cyrus' box.
Well, look at that.
Well, we found it.
Isn't that right, partner?
I guess so.
Silly girl.
I was talking to my real partner.
The butler did it?
Well, actually, we did it together.
I made an arrangement with Barla before Cyrus was even cold.
He caught Tess and Warfield, and I got poor Claudette.
And you.
What are you doing?
Did you think I'd settle for more scraps from the Carstairs table?
The old man wanted to sell the formula to the government,
but he got plenty of other offers before he died.
So I made a deal for it.
They're waiting to hear from me now.
Barlow, remember your place.
Move.
Move!
Sir?
Down to the end of the corridor.
Follow, you horrid man! Get us out of here!
I'll pay you back for this, Manfred!
I am suing everybody for every dime in the estate!
Inside.
Come on!
I suppose you realize this means you're discharged?
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
This is Barlow, sir. I have the goods.
Splendid. We'll be there shortly, as agreed.
There's something else you must do for me, too.
Yes, what is it?
Dispose of several persons.
My friend, for that formula, we'll do anything you want.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
it's all your fault man fred completely and totally triple damages i am naming
everyone as accessories what do you mean it's my fault don't go blaming me for the servant problem
You know, this looks awfully old. It might break easily.
Oh, don't be stupid. It's solid.
Cyrus and I found them when we were kids.
They're the change Lafitte held his prisoners with.
We used to have lots of fun tying up the covenants with them.
Well, I still think a link or two might have rusted through.
MUSIC
however you did that i'm glad you're on my side your side
i just might need you but can i trust you you have my word of honor
That intense sense would get me a die.
Don't be cruel, Tracy.
There's a lot of Cyrus in you.
He'll be fine, Barlow.
Sure.
We'll be right back.
Hey!
Where's the envelope?
All right, so you've got the gun. I'll search.
No, you don't.
Well, then you give me the gun and you search him.
Now.
Checkmate.
well that must be his contact look you car stairs may be rotten but these
people are really killers you treacherous come how much did they offer
you do to betray me ten million dollars ten million dollars really I
you did say ten million dollars.
Manfred, come on.
Now, these people that are coming here,
they're very dangerous.
Do you think that they know what he looks like?
Could they possibly have met?
Oh, I can't see how.
Cyrus didn't give him a day off in 30 years.
Okay.
You and I are going to take a chance.
Come on.
Get up.
Come on.
$10,000,000.
Tracey, surely you're not going to leave us here any longer?
Don't you owe us some loyalty?
Loyalty?
You were going to put me away.
Well, if you're going to hold grudges.
Some people are like that.
Always dwelling on the past.
I didn't do anything.
Don't you try and make me feel guilty, any of you,
because it's not going to work.
All right, all right, I will, but you had better do exactly what I tell you.
Don't you trust us?
Oh, about as far as I can throw you.
No, I don't trust you that far.
Good day.
Your Barlow?
Yes, of course.
Where's the money?
It's deposited in the Swiss Bank, as per our agreement.
You'll get the number of the account when we get the formula.
Very good.
Where are the people you want taken care of?
They're waiting for you.
All right.
Thank you.
Call me a sensitive fool, but I just can't bear to watch.
Come on.
Excuse you, ma'am.
Whew.
Nice work, Manfred. I guess I was wrong about you after all.
Where'd he go?
He went out there.
Why should I be surprised?
I don't know.
Thank you for watching.
Oh, no.
Tracy! Oh, thank heaven you're safe.
Oh, yes.
Oh, Tracy, to the shallow mind,
I know that this looks incriminating,
but in deeper retrospect,
I'm sure you'll understand my worry about you
and why I was rowing for help.
and so barlow and his contacts are all in jail what's gonna happen to the costas fortune
well it's up for the courts to decide of course but uh my guess is tracy will get it all tracy
yeah old man cyrus left it to the smartest costa right that's a good argument but the
smartest costa wouldn't come within a thousand miles of the place
amen and she got the osi to have somebody go in there and get it for her smart girl not dumb
smart girl here's to your back you did good
Oscar, they have escaped.
They're sitting down right there behind us.
Uh, Jamie, I...
I forgot to tell you something.
I had let them go.
Let them go?
Well, you see,
the Costairs wouldn't testify against each other.
And since they did help capture Barlow,
what he asked me.
Pardon.
The gentleman asked if he and his party might join you.
No.
No, thank you very much.
You'd think after all we've done for her she'd let bygones be bygones.
Oh, look at that outfit.
Glad she's going back to the sideshow.
Silly girl.
She just wants us to coax her into accepting our apology.
Oh, very well. Let's go.
Oscar, they're coming over here.
Those nuts are coming over here to this table anyway.
I'm not sure if that's the right way to go.
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